You Got A License for That?

My plan to secure a place in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most licensed person in history

When I was a kid, I was obsessed with The Guinness Book of World Records. My elementary school library stocked each new edition, and their massive glossy covers were essentially tangible clickbait for a 10-year old. 

The photographer captioned this a “depressing large collection of Guinness Books of Records.” I disagree. This is peak literature. | Photo by Martin Thomas licensed (ha!) under CC 2.0

For Christmas one year, my parents bought me a copy of So YOU Want to be a Record Breaker?, a collection of light-hearted records like fastest time to sort a shuffled deck of cards or most coins balanced on your face. The book even came with a timer to facilitate practice toward Guinness-enshrined immortality.

While I lacked the dexterity and determination to break any of the book’s records, the allure of one day being able to accurately state that I was the best in the world at something never faded. All I needed to do was identify my talent.

As it turns out, I also could have paid the Jim Patt…