You Got A License for That?
My plan to secure a place in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most licensed person in history
When I was a kid, I was obsessed with The Guinness Book of World Records. My elementary school library stocked each new edition, and their massive glossy covers were essentially tangible clickbait for a 10-year old.
For Christmas one year, my parents bought me a copy of So YOU Want to be a Record Breaker?, a collection of light-hearted records like fastest time to sort a shuffled deck of cards or most coins balanced on your face. The book even came with a timer to facilitate practice toward Guinness-enshrined immortality.
While I lacked the dexterity and determination to break any of the book’s records, the allure of one day being able to accurately state that I was the best in the world at something never faded. All I needed to do was identify my talent.
As it turns out, I also could have paid the Jim Pattison Group, owners of the Guinness records brand, a cool $500,000 to invent a record for me, a trail boldly blazed by despots and corporate executives — and sometimes both at the same time! But I’ve long been a man of integrity, and my loyal readers can rest easy knowing that if I ever acquire a half-million dollars, I will spend it on something far stupider than a fake world record, like a fraction of a house or one year of grad school tuition. I knew at the precocious young age of 10 that I would settle for nothing less than an authentic world record, and that sense of integrity is resolute.
When I turned 16 and started the driver’s ed process, I was fascinated to learn that there are multiple types of driver’s licenses available. I had vaguely understood that the people behind the many wheels of a big rig or school bus needed special training, but I was flabbergasted to learn that New York state offers a whopping six different classes of motor vehicle licenses to the public. And these six licenses can also be combined with 11 different endorsements from the state, ranging from F for Farm Class A Vehicles to X Tank/Hazmat!1
Much like my car during my first failed road exam, the wheels of my brain were slowly turning into gear. The realization that multiple types of motor vehicle licenses are available unlocked a whole new world of paperwork and certification exams and training classes. After all, you need a license for everything from flying a plane to cutting hair. Could I set the record for most licenses held by a single individual?
To the best of my knowledge, there is no current world-record holder in this category. Guinness has documented the largest license (in another promotional campaign for a dictatorial Middle East nation), the most intellectual property licenses used in a video game, and most license plates torn in one minute, but not most licenses held by a person.
In the ten years since gaining my first license, I have never forgotten about this silly idea for a world record. However, I am embarrassed to report I have made no progress toward greatness. I still hold just a single pathetic license, and I don’t even own a car to utilize said license anymore. I am basically a fraud.
The biggest barrier by far to setting this hypothetical record is the cost of all of these licenses. The $90 fee for my first driver’s license hit my teenage bank account hard. California charged me a far more reasonable $45, but if that’s how much a straightforward motor vehicle license is going to set me back, how will I afford the dozens of licenses needed to prove myself worthy to the arbiters at Guinness? And what about the cost of all the training courses and paperwork sure to be required?
This is where a cost-benefit analysis comes into play. I’m not going to sink $15,000 and hundreds of hours into attaining a private pilot license, but the $175 fee and single exam required to become a licensed drone pilot — officially, a Certified Remote Pilot — is far more doable. Each license counts the same toward my record, no matter how hard it was to achieve, so this journey will be all about working smarter, not harder. However, I am limiting myself to government-approved licenses, meaning no licenses to kill, chill, ill, or thrill can count toward my record.
I knew there were licenses for things besides firearms and various types of vehicles, but I didn’t know the true extent of how many activities require governmental approval until I stumbled across this database from the Institute for Justice. For perhaps the only time in recorded history, I have to hand it to libertarians, as their dashboard is clear, concise, and exportable to Excel. Most importantly, the IJ included a “Burden Rank,” which is their proprietary evaluation of how difficult a license is to acquire.2
After filtering out the licenses that require more than 40 hours of state-sanctioned education and those with fees over $500, I’m left with 19 licenses available to me from the state of California.
Upon further scrutiny, I noticed that the IJ had included various classes of motor vehicle licenses in their database — libertarians famously hate drivers licenses — and removing these decidedly non-professional licenses left me with 15 options. You could soon be looking at California’s newest certified Pest Control Applicator and Milk Sampler. I see a lot of synergy potential for those particular skills.
And while 15 professional licenses is a solid foundation, it’s far from record worthy. But I’m not on this quest for profit. I’m in pursuit of glory.
Expanding my net to include less-than-profitable licenses, I quickly identified marriage officiant as another easy license to add to my wallet. I have a bunch of friends who have lived with their partners for years now, so really I would be doing them a favor by becoming ordained. Better yet, the Universal Life Church offers legally-recognized marriage officiant ordination online for free.
And while I’m at it, I should consider getting married myself, as every county in the nation — even Clark County, home of Las Vegas and its Elvis weddings — requires a marriage license. I’m sure my girlfriend will be stoked to be proposed to via Substack.
Revisiting the website of our old friends at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I find that California’s motorcycle and recreation vehicle driver’s licenses fall below my acceptable Burden Rank threshold. I am also game for a boating license, which is known in California as a Boater Card and seems scarily easy to attain compared to a pilot’s license. And while it’s run by the federal government rather than the state, I would be foolish to overlook the power of a forklift license.
Despite the best intentions of our nation’s federal courts, California has attempted to implement a relatively strict system for firearm licensure. While the legislation and lawsuits are constantly changing, as best as I can tell I could reasonably achieve a Firearm Safety Certificate, which is essentially a firearm license, and possibly even a Carry Concealed Weapon license. But while those on the other side of a firearm transaction have a tantalizing seven total licenses available, their monumental cost and paperwork requirements fail my Burden Rank test.
Midway through researching this post, I realized I was mistaken: I have already acquired my second and third licenses. When I incorporated an LLC for my writing, I was required to register for a business license with the city of Oakland and a seller’s permit from the state of California. Consider these links to be a conspicuous posting of these documents!
Taxes open up a whole new world of license possibilities. California’s version of the Internal Revenue Service, the California Department of Tax and Fee Administration (CDTFA), is so feared that one of the ten best athletes in the world was willing to completely break baseball’s contract system to avoid the agency, prompting our state Controller to call for changes to the federal tax code. Sure enough, CDTFA has an entire section of their website dedicated to permits and licenses.
Options available to me from CDTFA include a Cannabis Tax Permit, Tire Fee permit, and International Fuel Tax Agreement license. All I need to do is open up a weed delivery business that requires me to drive across the border to buy and sell new tires. What’s a few felonies in pursuit of Guinness greatness?
In this post alone, I identified more than 30 licenses I could reasonably hold. Cumulatively, these certifications require more than $3000 in fees and weeks worth of training or classroom education. These totals feel excessive.
And yet, I think the most important licenses should be harder, not easier, to acquire, especially those related to firearms and motor vehicles. The United States is unique in that here it is controversial to say that the person operating technology that could easily kill you and a dozen bystanders should be trained and vetted by the government.
My silly idea to become the most prolific world-record holder brought me face-to-face with the fraying fabric of our society. But far more importantly, investigating this goal also showed me that I have competition for the record.
The subreddit /r/LearnUselessTalents is a repository of information practically built for people with my licensing mindset. Under a post from December 21, 2023 asking about how to build the longest list of certifications and licenses possible, user ssam43 chimed in to share that they had already completed 13 licenses, including Barber and Food Inspector. Anyone who can touch up your fade and confirm your meal is safe to eat is a formidable opponent indeed.
But ssam43 made a foolish mistake. They chose to be helpful on the internet. Their comment clued me in to a bunch of licenses I had neglected to include on my list, such as a license for bartending and practicing as a tattoo artist.
Unlike ssam43, I will make no such error. The only hint of my increased licensing prowess will be my ever-fattening wallet, bursting at the seams with government-issued certifications of my many, many talents. In fact, I should reach out to Guinness about that. Maybe I can set the record for heaviest wallet as well.
Things I Enjoyed This Week
Deadliest Journeys - Afghanistan: The Wakhan Passage | Best Documentary (YouTube)
Shockwaves in the Global Order | Boston Review
Survivors of Kissinger’s Secret War in Cambodia Reveal Unreported Mass Killings | The Intercept
Banished for an Unleashed Dog: Airbnb Bans Bewilder Guests and Hosts | Vice
‘The Ocean Is Boiling’: The Complete Oral History of the 1969 Santa Barbara Oil Spill | Pacific Standard
It would help me out tremendously if you could share this post with one person. Text it to your mom. Post it on your Close Frends story. Add it to your Hinge bio. Wherever, whenever, just a single share would mean the world to me.
I’m pretty sure that Saturday is the only day of the week on which I’ve never published in more than three years of this blog. Probably because no one reads their email on a Saturday? Good thing I’m not going for the Guinness record for smartest writer!
Thank you as always for reading, and enjoy your three-day weekend.
Life is more fun when you choose to believe that Tank refers to a military tank rather than a truck with tanks of gas or liquid.
Burden Rank essentially combines cost of the licensing fee with the amount of training required to derive a level of burden. More training + higher cost = greater Burden Rank.
Yes I read it on a Saturday.